Ava has been sick for five days and up every single night. A lonely, high-pitched cry in the night pumps me straight up out of bed "mommy, I am cold" "MOMMY, I am SICK" "MOMMY, I am ITCHY" "Mommy, I need water". I can't even see straight. Up 6 or 7 times. No fever, just a tummy ache and a stopped up nose. During the day constant whining. I was so grateful to take her in today to daycare. I felt relief.
So, I can't see straight and Baby Wit is a chaotic mess because I turned over 3 walls to Klutch and Bettina and yes, they had their way with them. Color everywhere and my favorite wall promises to be the girl rock camp although it is not completed yet. The other stuff is just icing on the cake and seems rather bleak to me. Perhaps it was all the pot taking hold but they are the usual creatures which emerge late at night from the mind. I am blow away by his stencil art. It is cutting, singular, beautiful. He only has two figures down but I know it already to be everything he has promised. The colors and his swirls merge so well. He is truly a master with the stencil. You would think it an easy art but the layering he does is where his magic lies. I am inspired and even mentioned to him that I want to do a stencil of some birds sitting across the tops of our roll top doors, staring at us thoughout the day. He said uh-huh but hopefully I can convince him to help me with my idea.
We sort of put Baby Wit back together today, Kristin and I. Tomorrow inventory and then we are ready to go again.
Can I talk about Kristin? I opened an envelope I found on my dining room table and inside was a gift certificate for a two night stay at the Oregon House, an amazing coastal retreat. She and Tanya put it together for me. I am blown away. Never did I dream that in building Baby Wit would I encounter such an enlightened and inspiring person. She is the spirit behind the direction BW is going with a sustainable product. On Tanya, well I still miss her. She instills new ways of thinking, of being. I am truly touched and feel so loved by two of the best folk I've met in a long time.
On the other end of the spectrum is a loser intern I asked to come in to work at BW. The first intern I hired was amazing and worked on high end projects like designing a booth at magic, designing a piece to take to magic, attending magic (all expenses paid.) The latest intern was such a loss that I had her sewing in labels and entering data into a customer database because she couldn't pull it together to do much of anything else. She would call in this whiny voice and ask me if it was ok if she didn't come in that day. I am like, hey, it's your internship. Make of it what you want. She asked me to lie about her hours on her evaluation for her, so I did. But, by this point I didn't even want her to come in anymore because she was so freakin' annoying. She wasted my time, kristin's time and the sorries that spilled from her mouth could fill an ocean. God. It made me rethink CHEAP FREE LABOR. Fuck that shit. I would rather pay someone so I could fire their sorry ass if they started telling me how sorry they were that they existed. Trust me, I was more sorry than you girl.
Now you know I am a true bitch. I mean why am I so angry? I am a psych major and they tell you anger comes from seeing a part of yourself in them that you despise. I think I despised the ocean of sorries but then, I am rarely sorry. I think I despised the whiny voice, ok I DO whine but that wasn't really it. What I most despised was the feeling of hopelessness she puts off with all her sorries and her lack of caring that followed from that hopeless helplessness. I suppose that is certainly one thing I have always found unattractive in myself... I want to care more but don't really feel it. I feel too helpless.
This is why I really enjoy being a vegan. I know our life support systems are all failing due to our miserable existence and I want to care more but feel so damn helpless. I say I am sorry but then I don't do too much about it. I am not active in any social justice groups or any groups for that matter. I do a little bit of volunteering but had to miss my second session with SMART because Kristin was sick on of those Mondays and this next session I will be in HI. We are planning on doing meals on wheels every Friday but have yet to start driving. I give a little here and there but nothing major. I recycle but so what. I try not to be wasteful. I try to use non toxic cleansers. I buy recycled TP and paper towels BUT SO FUCKING WHAT? It isn't really doing much of anything to save us from our hellishly fast descent. I am still sucking up more than I am giving back. So, being vegan somehow makes me feel I am not taking quite as much. It brings me closer to being in line with the amount of resources I should be consuming. It makes me feel lighter when I tread. I admit it, I feel less gluttonous.
Here is something interesting. Our house has a steady stream of little black ants all year round. They always find a new pathway. They hang out in the dog food, in our pantry, on our counters, in our trash can. I have always hated them, mashed them flat and tried to otherwise extinguish their little lives. But, then I read somewhere that if the human race became extinct the earth would most likely recover from our time here and be better off without us but if the ant became extinct most every eco system would fail as they aerate and move the soil. Made me pause.