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Setting Goals

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

So, in our small business class we spent 40 minutes writing out our goals for our business. In doing so and recounting them to a person in the class I came to this weird realization...Most people wanted wealth, time to do what they really enjoyed, security. I wanted to create a company that made some small difference in how businesses were run. I suppose when I was getting my MBA my cohorts were really into doing this. I was a Farber intern for a nonprofit. My favorite professors were all people who were into teaching about a sustainable business model. I knew it was the direction I wanted to go. Then I got pulled into making money for the dotcoms....for search tools in particular....I got lost for awhile.

And, in writing out my goals I come to a deeper personal understanding. It isn't fully about making a difference...I can be honest with myself...it is also about earning the respect of others and of myself (ok, I sometimes don't respect myself.) And I look back and think about the trauma of middle and high school and college. I think about my dad who thought I was such a failure. I think of being such a freaking loser throughout my 20s binge drinking, wasting time, pretending to be an 'artist' but did it more for the lifestyle of being able to excuse myself for most of my selfish behaviors and I understand now what drives me and maybe I am still in high school trying to prove something. How I should be on one of those TV shows where the GEEK, LOSER woman shows up and says hey, look what I have done. Aren't I cool now? Don't you want to take me to the prom and be my friend now? But she is still a loser geek and everyone viewing the show knows this and feels kind of sorry for her because the only group she could still be in is the marching band filled with losers and even in this fringe group she can only be an alternate marcher because she was so damn uncoordinated. Plus, she wields a flute.

And, I also more fully understand my severe reaction to Tanya on my birthday; disrespecting me in front of my friends and in my home. That is one button that blows me. Punch it and I lose it. Otherwise I am a very nice, reasonable person.

These are all personal revelations that I know I shouldn't be publishing online but see, this is the weird thing, the dual nature of every person. On the one hand I want respect but on the other I go out of my way to lose it. Sort of like, how much of a loser can I be and still gain any respect? You know, like pushing your boyfriend as far away as possible to test him. Can you tell I am in a way self-absorbed place right now?

I am using the lady comp and realize that I ovulate like two days after my period ends. Wow.

Jim is almost done with his second novel. Two weeks....his editor asked him for a picture. He wants to send one of the back of his head in front of a computer screen, appropriate for a book on gaming addicts.

Calling in a designer because oh my god...you should see the stuff we are going to do for FALL.

New artists are coming on board.

Maybe thinking of leasing a space.

I love making new stuff.

What drives you? If you have your own business or are self-employed...what are your long term goals, what do you want out of your work? Tell me some secrets...some good stuff now....

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