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Bread Winner, Mom, Wife

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Thank God Jennifer is my friend. I went over to hang at her house last night and over a glass of wine we fleshed out our vision for diyportland. Then we began talking about being married. I never fought with Jim until we had a child. I never went through weeks of feeling resentful and angry. I was not a nag by nature. (I absolutely despise this role.) I haven't checked out a guy's ass since I got married.

I find myself feeling angry and resentful a majority of the time. I fight with my husband at least once a day. We are turning into our parents. I have found myself feeling slightly flushed around this one guy and feel particularity gross, a bit like some desperate old housewife hanging out in her nasty old robe waiting for some delivery guy to stop by...ok not that bad but seriously, not feeling good about myself.

I love my husband. I can't imagine being with anyone else. Plus, I know that living together and raising a child is just plain stressful and that it wouldn't be any better with anyone else and most likely far worse. Good God. We live and work in the same place.

I am revealing to Jennifer what a horror I am turning into and she tells me that she too felt angry and resentful when she was working full time. A lot of it had to do with carrying the load of three really intense roles and none of the roles give leeway to any of the others. They are all equally demanding. Bread winner, mother and wife. Sadly, the first one I let fall to the wayside is the wife role. Jennifer told me that as soon as she stopped working full time she instantly felt less angry.

Then she told me that her mailman was damn hot and that her husband had never ever cleaned the bathroom either!

I left feeling as though I had been allowed to return to humanity. I woke up feeling fantastic! I can't wait to see my husband and I am still going to check this guy's ass out one more time. :)

Probably more than you wanted to ever hear but I had this image that everyone else I knew was a million more times well adjusted than I. (Living in harmony with their beloveds, taking their children to music lessons, playdates, feeding them wholegrains and organic freshly cooked veggies and no JUICE.) Pierce that veil.

I realize that in my mind I have become a vegan. I used to eat at McDonalds (I loved their fries, chicken mcnuggets, sundaes) but after seeing Super Size Me I was utterly revolted. The same thing has happened to me after reading John Robbins book. My stomach has turned against me. I don't really have control over this. It is weird because I still mentally desire ruebens, BBQ etc but when it comes to actually eating it I can't do it. Feeding it to my daughter is even more of an issue for me. I know this will be a huge bone of contention in my relationship with Jim and I don't even know how to approach it.

I am finding more and more vegan recipes that don't taste like cardboard.

An issue I have with becoming a serious Vegan... it seems to me that there is always one thing better you could be doing for yourself. From not eating meat to Vegan to not cooking your food. Where do you draw the line? Why do ice cream and coffee exist? I love cooking my food but am worried that if I pick up some book I may become some freak who will only ingest uncooked veggies.

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